Pieces
by A Beautiful Breakdown
Summary: Ed returns from beyond the gate, this time he and his brother are back for good, but at what cost? Ed struggles in an attempt to pick up the pieces, finding himself lost within a world once called home. Some sacrafices aren't worth it... EdXRoyXOC
1. prologue

**Pieces  
**_Chapter 1_

_Summary: Ed's returned from byond the gate, this time he and his brother are back for good, but at what cost? Ed struggles with the memories left from his time spent in Germany and a young woman who captured his heart. What happens when he tries to pick up the pieces of his broken soul?  
Finding comfort in the least likely places, Edward deals with life as a state alchemist once more.  
_

_A/N: Toying with this idea a while now, rated M for well... language, sexual themes and possible violence later on!  
_

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_ "I thought you'd at least miss me a little?!"_ a young mans high pitch voice screamed over the contents of an empty room. 

His words met only with a slight headshake and few quiet words, "You should know better then that full metal," And then came the look, the moment the fire beneath Edward Elric's eyes dimmed, flickered and then died away with a breath of cold air. He shouldn't have said that, but being rude to Ed had always been so common place that words of kindness and joy would seem awkward. Still, something about the way the young mans shoulders fell, the way he suddenly found such interest in the floor. It was obvious, Mustang had gone too far.

He hadn't meant to, moving to rectify the situation Roy attempted a soft laugh, a smirk that could be seen as nothing more then condescending. _Dammit Mustang, can't you manage just a little compassion!_ The Generals mind screamed as he watched his young alchemist slump further into the hole that Roy had so graciously dug for him.

Ed had been gone for what felt as if it had been forever. He had slipped between the two worlds so many times that Roy honestly though he'd never see the young prodigy again. A year passed, then another and another, he could remember wondering how Ed was doing, if age had blessed him with a sudden growth sprit the boy so desperately needed. Was he well, was Al looking after him? More importantly, did Edward ever think of home?

The truth was, yes Roy Mustang did miss the full metal alchemist, he's missed his officer and he'd missed his friend. But in that moment it was nearly impossibly to reiterate those feelings to the young man who now, more then ever needed to hear them.

"Shouldn't have expected much more then that from a Bastard General like you..." Ed's words fell with such contempt it actually hurt to hear, stinging the inside of his mouth as he spat the sounds upon the floor attempting in desperation to mask the hurt inside. "Guess it's no surprise eh, I'm not some child prodigy anymore am I? I'm just another alchemist, probably rusty from all my years out of practice."

_ No_. There was no way Edward could be rusty, no way that the power that surged through his body could dissipate. Roy could feel the alchemic promise crackle and sizzle within the air as Ed struggled to keep his emotions under control. If anything, years out of practice created a more volatile mix, a dangerous shell of power just waiting to erupt. "That's it exactly full Metal..." Roy found himself drawling on, sarcasm oozing from ever word which suffered his lips. It seemed impossible to halt such a precession of defiant agony. _Why not Roy, just see how far you can push him, see how much it takes for Edward to crack._ Edward, he'd never utter the boys name aloud, never allow himself the personal space that was required to use such a name. He wasn't on a personal basis with the Full Metal Alchemist, not with Edward Elric. Roy was angry, hurt, lost amidst the ghostly feeling that accompanied watching the dead walk before him. "Just go home Fullmetal..."

Ed's hands balled into fists, his white gloves soiled in the process of coming home, spotted unnecessarily with blood, "Home?" the young man asked, he wasn't aware such a thing existed any longer.

"Home Fullmetal, go home, take a rest..."

_ No, don't go..._

"You know I..." But Ed couldn't finish his sentence. He turned upon his heel and headed towards the door out of General Mustang's office, hesitating as his hand fell upon the brassy door knob. "Thanks for putting things in perspective for me_ General_..." he growled, throwing the door open in a moments desperation. Roy had brought himself to his feet prepared to lunge after the young man, but his body wasn't able to move from behind his desk. Something had clamped onto his vocal cords muting all pleas for Ed to stop. Instead, Roy Mustang found himself letting the young man leave, letting Edward Elric storm off in a frantic mess. And yet the young man didn't scream or holler, he bit a sarcastic remark, preparing his walk of shame.

"I've just got one question for you Full Metal..." Roy barked.

Ed merely turned, sweet honey suckle eyes tearing up as he peered over his shoulder. He didn't say a word but waited for the question to befall the air. He allowed Roy a moment's redemption, matured in his time away into a young man filled self control.

"How did you manage it... how did you make it home...?"

It was the one thing Ed wanted to think of least. The one thing that pained him more then dying, more then passing through the gate, only to trap himself in another world. It was the one thing he knew the General wouldn't understand. "Some sacrifices are beyond your comprehension General Mustang... _Sir._"

Of course he had to say it like that, so spiteful... so cruel. His cryptic answer left the General lost within his own small mind. There came no slamming of doors, no screaming match or insults, Ed simply left, his body wrought with pain and remorse. Roy would never know what it would mean to loose someone so violently. To be loved in a manner that meant giving up everything. Roy would never understand Edwards's loss, his cruel words a reminder of why Germany, despite its foreign air, had been so comforting. The smell of pastries from the bakery down the street, the smell of coffee and the sound of idle voices as Al and the others set to breakfast, waiting on Ed to join their daily ritual. It had been so tedious, but as Ed walked through the halls of central command, his head hung low as he hid his face from the others, it was all he could think about. No, the general could never know the pain Edward Elric had felt ten fold within his life time. General Mustangs tremendous support effort an obvious testament to that.

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read and review please! I want to know what you think!! 


	2. When I use to be happy

_How did you manage it... how did you make it home?_

Those words echoed through the depths of Edward Elric's heart. It was the one question sure to be asked, but the one question Ed had been so reluctant to think about. Germany, it, like everything else set upon the path before the Elric brothers was a test. It was a learning experience, and for one fleeting moment, Edward thought it would become his life.

He was frightened to think that beyond the gate held any more resemblance to home then the inhabitants he shared with Al and the girls. He'd given up, accepted defeat and joined the rest in the so called hustle and bustle of everyday life.

It had felt nice too, that small semblance of a future he had, the happiness which lingered longer then any he had experienced. Their entire lives had revolved around sacrifice and the principals of equivalent exchange. Their new world however had abandoned such beliefs, dwelling on scientific fact and logical thinking. Ed had felt free there, love and for once since he was a little boy, an odd sort of belonging.

The brothers lived, they loved, they existed without question, freed from the heavy sins their bodies had once bared. Ed had once naively believed that this was how his life had meant to pan out, that all the sacrifices were not in vain. He and his little brother learned from their invaluable mistakes, Edward had forgiven his father, let the demons of his past lie to rest and now was starting to believe he had actually gained more then knowledge from their adventures. He had gained more then he ever imagined. His body, no matter how broken or beaten down it may have been, found companionship within the arms of another. She loved him for the strength in his heart, adoring every piece of him, flesh or bolted metal.

But maybe his life was not meant to know such informal truths; maybe he was born to a life of tragedy and shame. Or maybe this was his punishment, a revolving door of pain and sorrow, a warning never to allow another human being so close...

Maybe...

Ed's automail hand balled into a fist before striking the cold wooden windowsill, his eyes set upon the horizon. Germany had been darker, not as quiet, but just as lovely as this. Germany was the new, while Edward now stood faced with the old. A mock remake of the life he had once been permitted to forget. It was a reminder of the loneliness he was destined to share his life with. The haunting call of the wind rattling the windows as it swung through the trees weeping branches, tormenting Edward with its solemn song.

How many times had he dreamt of this place? His frequent visits to Rockbell Automail or long walks along with rivers edge whenever he needed a moment to think. It seemed since childhood the only reason to return to this desolate little land was out of pure desperate need. It was never a question of wanting to; it was something he had to do.

"Home shouldn't be a place forced upon you..." The golden haired boy spoke softly, his flesh hand clutching the collar of his white dress shirt.

But where else was he to go? Stand around central like a useless tit? Wander the streets hoping someone might recognize him, reinstate him to his former glorious self?

Was the military even the place Edward wanted to be?

Really he had no other choice, better a dog of the military then a useless drone of a human being. He'd rather have some inkling of purpose then sit around watching his automail rust. He could do it, he would have done it too; taken that yearly exam, proven the big wigs that he was no less talented then the day he wandered onto the testing grounds. Since the day Colonel, no, General Mustang discovered him. He would have thought Mustang to be proud that her prized alchemist wanted back amidst the ranking, maybe he could push the power hungry bastard up a few more stars, shoot him right to Furher in a matter of months if Ed tried really hard. Would that make him useful?

Would that make Roy Mustang, Flame alchemist, value his presence any more?

No, he was sent home, or back to some place that was suppose to mimic the bland imagery of a place he had once known. If home was where the heart was, Edward no longer could hold such a place close. But he couldn't tell Mustang that, no, not Mustang, or any of his little lackeys, not even Riza in her quiet understanding would be able to comprehend this earth shattering force which shot through Edwards's body. Not even Al could grasp the faintest glimmer of pain, the horror of Edwards's reality. No, the younger Elric had no idea; he shied away from his brother for the first time in their lives, scared if their bodies came into contact that the elders would crumble away.

It felt like he had been staring out that window for hours, eyes locked upon the small pile of rubble etched into the background. He had intended on visiting the grave site. Mourning his lost childhood, his lost innocence, but something glued his feet to the floor. Every time he'd managed to wander over towards the door, another tumbler glass would find its way into his hand, its cool bitter contents coating his throat as he struggled with reality.

_Coward_ His mind bit bitterly, automail hand swirling the short glass and its amber contents, ice cubes jingling as they struck the cups sides. Yet this was all he could do to maintain some stream of sanity, wallow in his own self pity, and drink until the contents of his very tall, very full whisky bottle had drained away. If he could manage into the darkness without a coherent thought, it would be a good night.

Ed's plan had been, go see mom, go visit home, visit Winry and Al, get his life back on track. No where in the list of 'Ed's things to do' had alcohol taken part. Instead his mind seemed to blank on all the life altering importants to focus solely upon draining the bottle before him. He'd drink until he couldn't think, or until he passed out whichever happened first.

Another cold brush of glass against his lips and the fiery liquid spilt into his mouth. Its liquefied depression stabbing at Edwards insides its entire trip down into the depth of the young mans empty belly. _Yeah this is healthy._ He thought to himself, wondering how he ever managed throughout his pain stricken years without once picking up a bottle. He'd seen Mustang do it, seen Hawkeye, Havoc... in fact, he'd seen, at least once, all of the officers, glass in hand as they conversed over the current happenings in places like Lior or up North. Those times were usually followed but sombre nodding and quiet stares.

As a kid Ed had never understood it, watching the so called adults as the strange liquid loosened their tongues and relaxed their guilty minds. He could remember thinking this substance was some sort of miracle worker, something to be desired, but boy had he been wrong.

"God I'm turning into Mustang..." Ed stated bitterly, placing the now empty glass against the night table as his backside found the bed. His body gave a few short bounces before Ed was able to fall back, a golden halo of unfathomable beauty spread out above him as his eyes bore into the impending darkness. It was too early to be drunk, but too painful to remain sober, what _was_ a man to do?

The longer he allowed his thoughts to dwell upon Germany the harder it was to look himself in the mirror... maybe visiting his mother wouldn't be so bad. Maybe she'd forgive him for killing her a second time around. At least it would give him something else to think about, something other then... _her. _

In a bitter streak of anger Ed threw himself forwards, his shoulder lurching as he attempted to steady himself on to far too springy mattress. Golden locks fell into his line of view only to be forced back behind his ears in a rushed attempt to make himself look presentable. Did that even matter?

Rising off the plushy surface, Ed moved towards the mirror, catching a glimpse of his sunken in features. Maybe it didn't matter how pretty he looked, no amount of hair fidgeting or brushing out would calm the fury noted beneath tormented honey golden irises, or shadow the horrible circles lining the young mans eyes. He looked haggard, dishevelled despite his clean clothes and silky smooth tresses. He was half a man walking a thin line between life and nothingness.

_Whatever_ He thought drawing his long blonde hair back into a makeshift ponytail. He allowed his hand to hold it there a moment, testing the look before allowing the locks to fall back over his shoulders. _No that wasn't helping any_. What did it matter anyway?

He finally grabbed for his coat, turned upon his heel and slip out the door, disappearing down a quiet hallway as he forced his arms into the heavy brown material of his trench.

It was a matter of minutes really, his semi intoxicated climb up the grassy hill. Already the journey seemed to be a bad idea; his mind lost upon thoughts of his family, his mother, her smile, how deeply she loved her boys, how intoxicating her motherly warmth had been to the mind of a child. It was hard to watch the greying gravestone, shadows cast upon the ground as the sky darkened in hues of pale pink and orange.

"You would have liked her mom..." Ed drawled pathetically, his feet halting a mere breathe away "she had a laugh, a smile..." yet his words became lost upon the mere imagery they created. "You just would have loved her... I guess I know how you felt... how desperate you were to put on that smile, to go on living..."

His words spoke onto dusty sky as Ed kicked at a clump of earth. His throat burned incessantly, not from the liquor, but from the tears he was desperate to swallow. This pain was worse then any automail attachment, worse then the thought of never getting Al's body back. It was a real set pain embedded deep within his soul, tormenting and taunting with its chaste beauty. Ed had never thought such a pain could even exist within this world and he'd experienced his fair share of it. How was this fair?

"Why can't I be happy mom, why can't it just be left alone, I feel like I've forgotten how to smile, haven't I suffered enough for my taboo?"

His body sunk into a crouch, his fleshy hand pressed into the soft grassy surface beneath his feet. This was the grass he used to play in as a child, now it was the grass which protected his mother's remains.

To think, the last time he had even been to Rosembool had been to desecrate his mothers resting ground, the last time he had spoken to her, the real her, had been tears of sorrow and regret. Could she ever forgive him?

There were so many things to tell her, so many stories, so many laughs, but not a one seemed brave enough to venture over his tongue. They milled away within his mind, set on driving him crazy before he could utter them onto the air. Instead he stood in silence, unsure what he really could say or do, nothing other then existing made any sense at all, even then the idea by times seemed ludicrous. She'd want to know about the time Edward had spent with his father, the adventures had with Al, how he'd managed to gain his life back. She'd want to know about Noah, about Germany, about the time Edward had spent beneath the military as a permanent pain in the ass. Within his mind eye he could see himself sitting there, regaling his mother with tales of pissing the General off, how she'd laugh attempting to scold her son beneath her obvious approval. Most of all, she'd want to know about _her. _That was what pained him the most, the fact that after weeks of being home, he wasn't able to share the sheer ecstasy of being loved by anyone.

"Sorry I'm not much conversation tonight mom, I guess things haven't had time to settle yet..."

It almost felt as though Trisha Elric were smiling down upon him, a warm gust of air strolling over the grassy landscape, lingering a moment or two amidst the untamed golden locks Edward had neglected. The air was sweet, soft as it blessed his skin with its warming embrace, allowing him a moment to close his eyes and pretend for a moment that everything was alright.

"Thanks mom..." Edward leaned forwards pressing his lips to the cold stone before him. It was the closest he could come to any sort of embrace, his fingers lingering upon the top of the tombstone as he forced himself to his feet.

He understood the woman more now then he ever had before, her loss and worry. Her unwavering support and love, the dedication she had to a man she knew was never coming back. Death was far too final, too dangerous in its grave circumstantial void. His father, as much as Edward hated to admit, was right about the entire equivalent exchange theory. Nothing worked out the way one envisioned it. The entire theory was so controversial, so, — it was impossible to look into it without seeing some sort of sacrifice or gain. It was a matter of perception and perception alone, some science that was...

"Her life was not worth this..." he muttered to the cold silence. The air gone rigid and stark as he watched the sun slowly setting, dark purples and orange, slipping into a heavy set blue black, like a bruise transitioning between stages.

_God damnit, why is this so hard!_ Edward wanted to scream at the top of his lungs, his head falling back against his neck, eyes searching the sky for any clue or answer; _I can't even say her name... _

Was it so hard? Like saying Alphonse, Winry, he could say their names. Even Roy Mustang had a name in his mind, but not her... why couldn't he bring himself to utter, even whisper hers, acknowledge that she existed in some form, that she had changed his life.

No, every time the sounds fluttered into his mouth, Edward felt as though he might vomit. The bitter taste of alcohol mingled with the acidic taste of his stomach contents, or lack there of, and all thoughts of _her_ slipped from his conscious state.

Not worthy, that's what he was, not worthy to carry memories of her around in his pocket like some love stuck teenager. Not worthy of the chaste kiss she blessed upon him before disappearing from his life for good. His lips still burned, aching to know that embrace one moment longer.

Quietly he allowed his fingers to traipse those forsaken grounds, slipping over cracked flesh and warm breath.

"Mothers always make the best confadants..."

Ed turned suddenly, unsure what he was suppose to say or do. The sudden change in air velocity and temperature sent a chill slipping down through his spine. Everything was different now, no more sweet calm, but rapid aggression, the scent of sulphur and pine lingering upon the breeze.

"Ro.." the blonde boy began, his superior's name cut off before he had a chance to shame his commanding officer, "General Mustang sir..." Ed's hand had dropped to his side, his body gone rigid before he allowed his eyes to fall upon the Flame Alchemist.

"At ease soldier..." Roy spoke with a soft chuckle, his gloved hand (right) slipping through a mess of ebony locks as he moved to stand beside Full Metal.

Neither said a word for what felt like eternity, Roy's eyes set upon the words engraved in fine stone, while Ed found interest in something far off in the distance. Men were incomparable creatures, their stubborn nature enough to make anyone want to bang with head against a brick wall, even one of their own sex. It was hard to start any sort of understanding amidst them, specially when it involved men of the militaries persuasion.

"How is dear Mrs Elric this evening?" the commanding officer asked nonchalantly.

Edward merely allowed a breath of air to escape over his lips, whether in a sigh of exasperation or a laugh, it was hard to tell, "Quiet as the grave sir..." he answered bitterly, flexing his hands into unmark able fists.

"I didn't think you'd take me so literally when I told you to go home Fullmetal..." Roy began quickly, casting his subordinate a sideways glance. He had meant to continue further but Ed's words cut him off.

"And yet you knew exactly where to find me... General Mustang... _sir..."_

_Ouch_ Roy thought bitterly, his body turning some that he might better take into view the Elric boy... correction... man. "Quiet..."

Again a silence befell them. Neither so much as moved, watching some unforeseen cloud of emotion settle between them. They had a tendency to do this, avoid the real problem or question at hand. Roy was never able to take Full Metal seriously, while Ed flew off the handle at every snide comment the General let slip.

They were, to many, two irrational bastards, throwing themselves head to head, family in an odd sense of the word. They cared for one another and yet would never truly admit to how deeply the other affected their lives.

_She would have loved to torment you..._ those words added a smile of Edwards quiet features as he cast a glance towards the Flame Alchemist, "Miss me or something old man?"

Roy merely smiled, "something like that, or so I'm told." He made it seem as though he had been forced into feeling whatever it was the bastard general had been capable of feeling. Not that Edward was sure he was even able to manage any sort of emotion other then anger and lust. Could even be considered an emotion? "Had to make sure you were still here I guess, after all you have a tendency to slip through that pesky gate from time to time. Always out to impress eh Edward, just have to be different don't you..." Roy bit sarcastically, treating Edward to a coy smirk.

A smirk the blonde one wanted to smack right off his face, "At the risk of sounding petulant sir, shut the hell up..." he had meant to turn, but Roy's hand grasped his wrist pulling the younger boy around to face him, "What's that Mustang, don't like being talked down to, don't like having the tables turned on you? Or what did you miss our little verbal sparing matches, no one else under you have the balls to stick up for themselves while you paraded around with that high and mighty attitude of yours?"

The rant came from no where, an onslaught of verbal daggers stabbing at the air until Edward found one that struck the right cord, "Or is it that there's a greater alchemist out there then the all mighty Flame... Oh heaven forbid someone do the unthinkable! Are you angry because I've managed to do what you could only dream of? Does it piss you off that I managed to get my brothers body back; that I successfully managed to bind a human soul. Or what about the fact that I practically managed to save your ass more times then I can count on one hand? Is that it Mustang? Are you Jealous? Do you Envy your subordinate for defying all logic and returning through the gate, not once, twice, or three times but almost five by all accounts, that's right asshole, five times. THROUGH IT."

Roy however didn't look angry like Ed had hoped, he looked as calm as ever, his dark set eyes unreadable beneath the now starry sky, his pristine paleness a drastic contrast beneath the evening's dark shadows.

Edwards's chest heaved with desperation as he tried to steadily feed himself unwilling gulps of oxygen. He was pissed and all Roy Mustang could do was stand there like an emotionless doll and pretend the world was honky dory? Ed wanted to hit him, strike him down as he stood, feed him fist fulls of grass and mud like a child, desperately hoping he'd choke on a worm or something equally as foul

"Well asshole? Or are you just disappointed I didn't slip away one last time, cause I have to tell you, the trip is only fun the first time... the final few get a little tiresome... too much death involved..."

Roy's eyes shot open, was that what was wrong? Death? What? Roy Mustang was confused and hurt. He wanted to scream and yell at Edward Elric but knew the boy was only doing what he needed so desperately... rant. But death? Was he serious?

"Fullmetal, you know..."

"NO Mustang, General _Sir..._ I don't know, maybe you should make it clearer for me.. Huh? Maybe you should use that amazing power of yours to articulate what it is you're meaning here. If it helps, pretend I have a chest ample enough for you to sink your face into, I know how that seems to aid in your verbal constipation..."

_That's right Ed... dig your hole..._ Roy wasn't sure up from down now, watching as the blond boys shoulders rose and feel deeply. He wanted to ask again, how Edward had managed it, but the answers seemed a little clearer now then they had been before. _Death..._ Edward had to deal with another death, another life snuffed out and... was he blaming himself?

"Ful..." Ed's eyes burned hatred and malice resonating beneath painful honey gold, "Edward..." Roy pleaded, "Edward please..."

"Please what?!" Ed snapped.

This was useless, Ed wasn't going to suddenly open up and cry to him, and he wasn't about to tell Roy Mustang all his woes and then suddenly be ok again... "Edward, Fuck Ed, all you do is piss me off, you know that, I come out here to make sure you're ok and you bite my god damn head off..."

The boy seemed to fall back a few steps, his ego deflating to it's normal hot headed size, "What do you want here Mustang..."

Roy blinked, was that... calm beneath the Fullmetal's words? Was Edward Elric really being an adult about something?

"I want you to be ok stupid; I don't want you to be alone. You show up at central, without Al, might I add, and then disappear..."

"YOU TOLD ME To..."

Roy's hand halted the boy's tirade, "I told you to get some rest, there was no need for you to jump back in head first... not now..." Roy offered a pathetic sort of smile, his hands delving deep into his pockets.

"You told me to go home you bastard; I don't have one of those left, not anymore..."

The exact moment Roy had relinquished his grasp upon Edward, the young man didn't know. He suddenly felt the weight around his wrist vanish, allowing him to slip away a few spare feet from the General. He needed the space to grow, the tight air mingling between them enough to make him claustrophobic.

"You're impossible, you do know that Fullmetal... absolutely impossible"

"Well you're a Bastard..." Ed screamed, hands balled into fists as if to restrain some of his anger.

The General simply nodded, "Bastard yes, I may be, but I'm here Edward, I though we were friends..."

Edward rolled his eyes, "I am... Was you're subordinate..."

The Flame merely repeated himself, "I thought we were friends..." he stated clearly, moving to close the space between their bodies. "I'm here Ed... I'm here to listen, to talk, to do whatever it is you need a friend to do right now, I'm here, that should say something..."

Ed scoffed; turning his attention to the grass, the dark shadows set against his mother's grave, anything but the look his commanding officer held within those ebony pearls. He'd never noticed the way the General wore his age, the worry lines forming at the corners of the elder's eyes, the scars which decorated his alabaster cheek. The sort of definitive markings that one only saw when up close.

"What do you want a thanks or something?" Ed grumbled.

Roy's response fell beneath a slight chuckle, "Maybe... I just want you to know you're not alone Edward, not if you don't want to be."

"I have Alphonse you know..."

"Ah yes, the brother whom followed you everywhere, the one you've been avoiding since you both returned." he caught a look within Ed's eye then quickly added, "I've spoken to your brother..."

It was in that moment Ed managed to mumble something, catching the Flame alchemist quiet off guard. It sounded like 'too many truths' but he couldn't be sure. Ed just looked sad, his gaze downcast against the earthy floor. That avoidant little bastard was bottling everything up, carrying his burden all alone like he had done so many times before. God this child was infuriating, why couldn't he just let someone help him for once.

Roy was getting tired of watching the Elric boy's mood fluctuate between upset and down right pissed off. He seemed so lost and yet on guard all at once. It was giving Roy a headache!

"I'm not a kid you now General..." Ed's words broke the silence which had wrestled itself between them, causing Roy to look Edward in the eye for what felt like the first time all evening.

"God you'll be what, twenty one soon?"

"Twenty actually..."

Twenty and already gone through so much. Roy needed to make his better. He'd lost Ed's gaze seconds before the boy had uttered the truth about his age and now the older man was beginning to feel empty.

And then it happened, in a matter of urgency Roy swept Edward into his arms, one across the boys shoulders, the other lost amidst the Elric's hair as he drew the young mans cheek down against his chest. Maybe it wasn't so much for Edward as it was himself, maybe it was to starve off the look Ed held in his eyes, that sad twisted look that Roy had been so intent on capturing. He wasn't sure why, but the warmth Edwards body granted was like nothing he had ever experienced. The boy was light, guarded, and hesitant and yet complaint beneath the elder alchemists demanding hands.

Roy was warm, he smelt like camp fire and cinnamon, a strange mixture, but a comforting one. It was strange and yet felt proper, as if he had meant to be there all along.

His mother smiled upon them while Edward wept silent tears, their salty embrace warming the Generals collar.

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A/N: ok... so not sure how I feel about this... I REALLY want to hear back, like really, I don't know if I should re write this or not... Please please Read and Review!! 


	3. The scent of home

Roy's body was warm, like Ed had fallen into a soft bed of blankets, the sweet scent of cinnamon and foggy smoke clogging his nostrils. Edward had never been this close to the flame alchemist before. He'd never been able to pick out the soft scars which littered the mans neck, swooping down beneath the collar of the military issued garments he so regularly adorned. No, Ed had never allowed himself to get this close to the man. He'd always maintained a safe distance, their relationship strictly professional save the minor torrents of fatherly concern Mustang so fondly adopted.

Now, it was like a dream, as if, when Edward closed his eyes, all of this would disappear and he'd awaken home, in Germany, in his own comfortable bed.

Germany and its fancy inventions, that's sort of what Mustang smelt of, only sweeter, maybe it was more like the country side where he and Al would often take the girls. The cinnamon was a reminder of French toast left cooking in the morning, a scent Edward could recall waking up to fondly. Roy was a reminder of all those things he missed, the heat of another body so close, the sweet scent of baked goods littered with the delicious spice shared upon a calm breeze amidst the landscape beyond the city. It was breath taken, enchanting, so much so that Edward mindlessly found himself drawing nearer his superior officer. His lashes batted closed as he finally allowed himself to draw in a deep breath of the General's scent. It was intoxicating in its simplicity, sweeping him away beneath on heated moment that would only break him down.

Roy only allowed the younger alchemist to fold his arms against his chest. The Flame Alchemist moving so that his embrace fell just below Edward's shoulders, forcing him to realize there was little escape. He felt Ed's breathing soften, a hitch at the back of the young mans throat as he struggled with an unspoken conflict.

Yes Edward Elric would be turning twenty and already the young man's soul wept with such profound emotion that Roy felt the core of his being shake. To have such a strong, proud creature fold beneath his very arms, it was humbling to say the very least. Edward had been stronger then he, he'd been kinder, in truth, Edward, despite his young years, was everything in a soldier that Roy had always meant to be. Maybe that was the reason behind Mustang's hostile behaviour. Had he been jealous of Full Metal? It was hard to tell and utterly frustrating to think about. Specially when the object of such pathetic and selfish thoughts lie trembling beneath his grasp.

"You don't have to do this alone Edward..." It was Edward now; Roy couldn't bring himself to bark out the youth's state given name. Formalities had all but gone out the window the minute Roy had decided he was getting on the train. Full Metal, no, Edward Elric didn't need a General or commanding officer at that moment, what he needed was a friend. An objective outsider who hadn't been there, to allow the boy a moments peace.

The boy only tensed beneath the Generals kind words. Roy felt Edward's shoulders go rigid, his back straighten, even the hairs on the back of Edwards neck, stand on end.

How could he have known this person so long and never actually see him?

How had Roy been so blind as to the painful mannerisms Edward maintained to that very day?

He didn't cry, but his body shook. He mourned for a life he had known, a life he had shared, a life he had loved. He mourned the loss of everything he had been so unwilling to give up. Wondering, all the while if this entire moment in time was safe.

Could Edward trust Roy Mustang?

The Flame alchemist seemed genuine in his concern; he'd travelled quite a distance just to make sure Ed was alright. Or had he sought the boy out for his alchemic promise? The General was a hard person to read. Every time Ed felt he had the man figured out, something else would blow his hypothesis out of the water and he'd have to start all over again. He built round mazes around himself, slowly sealing off all the exists. No matter what way Edward looked at it, Roy wasn't the bastard that he had always pegged him to b. Not when he held their bodies so close and that thought in itself was positively mortifying.

He had meant to place space between their needy bodies the moment the embrace had been initiated, space that seemed as if it would never come. His own body had declared a mutiny upon him, allowing his thinned form to lie rocking beneath the flow of emotions which surged steadily between them. It was nice while it lasted, until Edward finally managed to wrench his body away from the elders grasp.

His shoulders shook, a deep set blush creeping over the bridge of his nose to lie itself against paled cheeks. Ed's hands darted for his pockets in desperate want to fiddle nervously with whatever treasures met his greedy finger tips.

This was stupid; he was a grown man acting like a teenage girl with a crush. Placid feline eyes peered off towards his mother's grave, towards the moonlit sky, towards the inn somewhere in the distance. They jumped from solid object to fleeting shadow, all the while terrified that he might fall beneath Mustangs intense desire for truth. He felt his will dripping away, melting from beneath his chest, his walls softly shifting as Ed began to question the loyalty and friendship Mustang had been so adamant on boasting.

"Edward..."

There it was, his name again uttered over the man's patient lips. Mustang seemed to be testing the waters, attempting to get the young man's attention.

Ed merely peeked out beneath heavy blonde bangs, the soft strands of hair kissing his temple, strewn across a heated forehead to hide the confusion matched within his eye.

"Edward..." the older man pressed, shifting his body weight. The soft motion caught the faintest glimmer of moonlight causing the man's entire face to simply glow. It was magnificent, the pale shimmer etched delicately across his brow drawing out the charcoal greys and gain streaming of silver woven throughout his weary eye patch.

"Please don't ask again General... Roy..." Ed quietly begged his feet thinking before his mind could process another task, placing distance now between he and his superior. Ed didn't need friends, he didn't want friends. Friends would be hurt, would hurt him in their loss. Al, Noah, his father, everyone close to him, everyone he'd ever cared for suffered. The name itself could have him court-martialled, if he was even considered an officer of the state any longer. It was wrong, too informal, too comfortable. He didn't want, didn't need comfort, he needed regal support, discipline; he needed to be so busy that thinking of anything was a chore and a half.

Roy's stomach fell; his good eye saw nothing pain as the other focussed on the sadness which Ed's body slowly emitted. The toxins swept into the air pooling like a dark rain cloud hovering above the young mans head. The negative emotion seemed to tumble against the silver lining tearing the poor thing to pieces before Edwards's very eyes.

Ok... so, he didn't want to talk about it... fine... but was it?

Roy wanted to scream and slap the boy for his evasive mannerisms, the way he fiddled with the coin within his pocket stealing quiet glances at the General when he thought Roy hadn't been looking. Some adult Ed turned out to be, still as stubborn and annoying as ever in his pigheaded attempts to protect himself. Why could he never learn!

"You should talk about it sometime Edward..."

Those words only further darkened the cloud, "Nothing to talk about..." but the sound of his own voice was hard on his ears. Ed wanted to scream, but could do nothing more then stand in pregnant silence. He watched as the wind blew against the grass, the way the small shards of dark forest green bent as one, huddling close to his feet. His eyes blanked for a second and there she lay, her hair sprawled out in a halo of sweetness, peering up at his as he stood so preoccupied with the world around him. Her ruby colored eyes would sparkle joyously as she pulled at his pant leg, drawing the sullen smile from his lips as she pawed for attention.

His heart broke, his shoulders hunched, heated passion welling within the corners of his eyes. She'd made him smile and cry all at the same time. Never since his mother, had he cared about another woman so wholly... now... nothing.

Edward was, however, no longer a boy, no longer the youngest state alchemist within their ranks. Edward was a man now, and men didn't cry like this. They didn't weep with uncertainty; they bottled things up and went on with their lives.

Why then, was crying all he could do for the last few days. Why was it that his eyes burned with the slightest glimmer of light? That he found comfort in the darkness of a room, blinds pulled, a heavy beige shadow lingering as the sunlight beat against the drawn curtains.

Did Roy see this pain, how weak Edward had become?

Indeed he had. The elder man stood close again, his arms folding across Edwards's shoulders as he pulled the young Alchemist in once more. "Come on Edward; let's get you some sleep..."

There was no protest, no displaced effort to draw away from the General in his desperate attempt at comfort. Only a quiet compliance a stretch as he arched his shoulders back, lumping his tired form against the Flame Alchemist's sturdy frame. He gave in, wordless acceptance pooling upon his tongue as he allowed his body to move without thought, following the Generals lead as he urged Edward away from the grave site towards some place more comforting.

The walk back in itself took no time at all; their footsteps echoing throughout the abandoned hallways as Roy knowingly escorted Edward back to his room.

There was a quiet breath stolen from the air as he pushed the door open, Edwards's thinned form slipping through passed the threshold towards what Roy thought had been the bed. Shadows stole Edwards's movements as the young boy reached for something through the darkness, the light from the hallway obscuring Roy's focus.

"Are you coming in then?" stole Roy from deep thought, realization dawning on him as Edward waited quietly inside.

The man merely nodded, his body breaking the barrier between public and private to place the door at a closed stance beside him. Darkness now accompanied the silence as Roy struggled for his words. He felt like a child, so unsure of himself, so dangerously out of sorts.

It seemed however, Edward was now more to his thoughts as the boy quietly set to blessing the large room with a flickering flame. The candle leaned quietly within his hand as he motioned to ignite a gas lantern before handing the small stick over to Roy, nodding in the direction of another similar object. "Do you want a drink?" he offered quietly, drawing a glass already filled with amber liquid to his lips.

"Uh... sure..." Roy grunted, complying to the boys wishes as he motioned about the room, a ghost within his own skin. It was odd to see Edward Elric so quiet, tipping a glass back as he granted himself the contents before another glass appeared and he was rationing out another two servings. "Didn't know you had a taste for that sort of thing..." Roy offered a pathetic laugh, allowing his body to fall into the pliant mattress which currently supported Edwards's weight.

"Sometimes it's better to feel nothing..." a glass was thrust into Roy's hands as Edward continued on his alcoholic binge. The bitter liquid hadn't even a moment to linger upon his taste buds before it surged down his throat. The taste merely an afterthought as the kick caused Ed's lips the screw up in a strange unpleasant scowl.

"Sometimes it never gets better..." The General agreed, allowing himself a mere taste of the drink his host had given. He'd nurse this and watch Edward as he stumbled on in his punch drunk stupor, hoping by some chance of a miracle the boy would open up.

"Mhmph."

Roy smiled pathetically, eyes cast on the floor. "It's not a good habit..."

"Always worked for you and Hughes..." Edward bit quite viciously, allowing Roy to leave the subject at rest with his aforementioned friend.

"Never knew you were one to follow by example Ed..." Roy returned with a growl. Memories hurt like hell when thrown in your face, they made you bitter, hostile. They made you human.

Ed just seemed to stare off into space, flesh hand swirling the contents of his cup aimlessly as his eyes bore off into the shadows. It was as if Roy had said nothing at all, as if he didn't exist, the dip in the mattress nothing more then a figment of the imagination. Alcohol, not remembering, that was all that mattered, that and the strange warmth that Roy's body permitted.

Subconsciously Ed found himself sinking closer to the raven haired General. Their shoulders hit and Edwards head struck the man's shoulder. His grasp upon the tumbler glass became pathetically loss as its contents spilt down his leg, the glass shattering against the hardwood floor. Not even that, however, was enough to rouse Edward back into the world of the living. Roy was warm, stiff, but warm, the scent of cinnamon lingering within the air once more as Ed's golden locks fell against his _friends_ shoulders. He didn't speak, he didn't blink, a ragged breath ripping through his chest as he tried in desperation to make sense of the situation.

Moments passed with nothing. Roy tried to calculate Ed's next move while Edward quietly rest, his breathing becoming laboured and then finally stopping for a matter of moments.

It might as well have been an eternity, Roy quietly listening for the next sharp intake of breath like a child watching a clock. He was timing his own steady heart beat with the rise and fall of the young mans chest. This waiting was hell.

"You.. You... smell like cinnamon..." Ed finally managed, his head turned so that his lips fell against the base of Roy's clavicle. His words held a sweet childish ring as if now he were searching for that off level of comfort Roy's body gave off.

Roy smiled, reaching out in the quietly lit room to place his glass on the night table, "Cinnamon huh?" he drawled quietly, attention drawn as Edwards arms snaked their way around his abdomen, finding solace in their haphazard embrace. Neither man spoke as Ed gave in to his desperate need for human contact. Roy merely smiled; allowing his arm to fall against the younger mans back, fingers tracing strange arays against the bumps and folds of the material.

Ed managed to allow a pathetic whimper to escape his lips, eyes closed tight as he snuggled just a little closer. His mind attempted to catch the patterns, lost beneath their insignificance and the mysterious heat they left radiating against his skin. Their swoops and swirls noted even through the layers of clothing still clinging to his body. He felt them, the dim alchemic power which leapt from the generals finger tips with each fleeting moment. It was just as they had done, lying there, naked bodies pressed together, his automail finger tracing strange symbols against her back as she lie curled against his flesh. _She _didn't care that he had been broken, that he would live his life, half a human being. Would Roy?

A restless tremor settled into his being, shivers shaking the young alchemist until his cheek lie somewhere amidst Roy's chest. It was awkward and yet so strangely comforting. "Nnh, Cinnamon..." Came Edwards sleep riddled response, his mouth wide before he knew it, captured within a yowling yawn, his tongue curling just slightly.

A smile, then a laugh, soft, quiet, just enough to rumble within Roy's chest, causing the young man who occupied that space the scrunch up his nose in protest. "Tired... no.w..." Ed seemed to mumble as Roy allowed his fingers to traipse across the younger's forehead, stealing aside stray pieces of hair.

He was so peaceful without his worry. All signs of emotional struggle slipping away beneath the very presence of a sigh. "Get some sleep Full Metal..." The General found himself saying, the name itself leaving a bitter pang of steel to linger within his mouth. "Sleep Edward..." he corrected as he attempted to draw Edwards's arms away from his waist.

The boy only protested, eyes fluttering open, large liquid pools of golden beauty watching as Roy pulled himself away. Ed pouted, as the space once occupied by Roy Mustang was left empty and cold. He watched as his superior shuffled his feet across the floor, taking the rest of his unfinished drink into his mouth with one foul swoop. _Waste not want not,_ the man figured, turning to look upon Edward before he took his leave.

Those damn eyes and their pitiable beauty, their breath taking sadness just watching as yet another person who claimed to care abandoned him. That's how seemed anyway. "Where are you going?" Ed muttered softly, flesh hand balled into a fist rubbing the sleep from within his eye.

"I've got a room down the hall a ways, I'll be staying a few more days before I head back to central..." came the formal explanation, Roy's hands darting for his pockets.

"Oh..." Ed managed, more of a sound then anything else. He just watched, waiting for Roy to move. Waiting for the Flame Alchemist to slip from the reality in which Edward had been so deeply entrenched.

"Stay?" was the question, Roy's response a delicate hand upon the younger mans cheek followed by a strange sort of nod.

Ed wasn't sure if it was relief of elated pleasure which shot through his body within that moment. The soft twinkle held within the General's dark eyes proof of his caring. He hated that he was being this weak, but caved beneath the struggling emotions which wrapped their way around his vocal chords making it difficult for him to speak.

It wasn't the General, not Roy Mustang that Edward wanted; it was the comfort of knowing he wasn't alone. A body lying next to his throughout the night, hampering the cold shakes which accompanied the bone chilling nightmares.

No, it wasn't Roy Mustang; it was his scent and the familiarity it brought, settling Ed's demons.

"Come on then, take off that coat, and your shoes..." Roy instructed kindly, tugging at the material Edward had wrapped around his being.

Ed smiled, allowing the material to be stolen away, kicking off his shoes with a false degree of energy. He didn't know why he asked, or why it was even important, but he found himself at a loss when Roy had broken their connection. His hands sought Roy's in a pleading effort to draw the man closer; allowing him to stand between Edwards spread knees. "You too..." Ed seemed to say, his words but breathless utterances into the night. A childish need laced with sleep and desperation as he tugged gently upon Roy's palm. He didn't want the cinnamon gone, the faint taste of camp fire lingering within his mouth. He didn't want his mini Germany, no matter how painful, to just slip away with no more then a whispered sigh.

Soon both men were shed of their unnecessary clothing, Ed swept beneath the covers before he could even register what was happening. He didn't even need to ask as Roy closed toe space between them. His arms found their placed wrapped tightly around Edwards body, one beneath his neck while the other lie draped beneath the young mans arm, now clutched to his chest.

"It hurts... Mustang..." Edward confessed through a sleepy daze, unaware of his mouths betrayal, allowing the words to flow out as easy as any goodnight might sound.

"I know..." was all Roy could say, pulling the young mans body closer, "I just hope you don't kick in your sleep..."

From over his shoulder Roy could have sworn he saw the faintest inkling of a smile as a breathy response sounded over Ed's lips, "Bastard."

A/N   
Thanks so much to all those who felt it necessary to review!! I appreciate the thoughts and encouragement, I really, really do!

Hurrah for minor Roy/Ed fluffieness, more to come I promise!!

Once again, please read and review!!


	4. To lose someone you cared about

It had been raining that day, the sky opened up, soft droplets of water tumbling to the earth in a torrent of pain and sorrow. He had been hard pressed to get home, the streets oddly void of life, darkened and grey so unlike the way he had remembered them. Maybe it was just something caused by the rain.

Home had been a tall two story house, set upon a quiet road on the back streets of Germany. He'd lived there for a little over a year now, occupying the large four bedroom home with Alphonse and the girls. They were a family, the quartet; a troop of friends lost amidst the love they shared for one another. They lived, they loved, and they survived off the emotions and friendships they forged. Edward and Al had been so reluctant to seek out the friendship that the girls provided; a sort of relief, a kind of release of some sort. That was how Edward looked at it anyway.

When Alphonse had introduced him to Noah's friend, he had been a little skeptical at first, scared of what it would mean to allow another human being into their past. To allow another human to witness how broken he had become, both in mind and body.

Her presence however, was proven to be just what Edward Elric needed to move on. His life held meaning again as he watched the light shine within her eyes when she smiled. They lived, they loved, and they survived off one another like addicts on some sort of drug. Edward found himself living the way he imagined people his age normally lived. He loved her, and within their love he found comfort, he found home. He gave up alchemy, he gave up fighting, he found a job, and lived the way he had always wanted to. Shamelessly he forgot the state, forgot his missions and all the horrors he had been forced to witness. He focused all his time and effort on being happy, becoming whole again, only to be rewarded by the birth of his beautiful baby girl.

Yes, Edward had everything he had been denied in his previous life. A happiness he shared with Alphonse as the two boys, now young men, considered themselves uniquely lucky.

Rain and darkness, a surge of power which crept through the air, leaching off of every breath Edward took. The windows shown blue, the iridescent desperation of an alchemy experiment destined to go wrong.

His home?

Darkness groped at his pant legs as he ran through the darkened streets. Puddles splashed up as his shoes collided with the water sending droplets into the air, clinging to his pants as he forced himself to move on. He felt as if he had been sent back to the gate, those feeble hands groping at his body, determined to steal away whatever appendage they could close within their grasp.

He tripped, stumbled, his arms flailing as he tried so hard to maintain his balance, forcing himself up the steps towards his now broken home. The wood beneath his feet creaked and groaned as if to give way below his weight. The feeling of solid ground slowly left him, lost on a sensation of weightlessness. He ran through space and time until he was able to throw himself through the heavy oak door, forcing the heavy object closed, shutting out the world of darkness and sorrow behind him. He wanted to be safe within those for walls, but his brother's voice brought reality crashing down around him.

Ed forced himself to stand, the weight of his body having thrown him to the ground, and he ran. He ran towards the stairs, towards the voices and the undeniable electric pulse which surged through the air. He ran toward love, towards desperation. He ran in hopes that some how something would be different.

The stairs seemed to slip away beneath his feet, a never ending path which grew harder and harder to climb. The blue light only grew more intense as the top of the stairs came into view. Panic caused Edward to trip again, his chin colliding with the hardwood floor as he found himself at the top of the stairs. His first instinct had been the baby, though somehow it seemed pointless, he knew how this would play out, a never ending nightmare, a recurring dream which forced him to relive his most terrifying memory night after night.

The hallway stretched on for eternity as Ed found his feet and threw himself forward. It was pointless yes, but some part deep within hoped that he might be able to rectify the situation. Maybe if he happened to do things differently now, when he woke up, he'd be at home in his bed, _her _arms wrapped tightly around his chest.

No…

White lines drawn upon the floor in chalk, his brother's horrified screams as the woman Edward loved so fully knelt within the center of an intricately drawn out array.

All words lost their meaning as Edward tried to scream, sounds muffled within his throat. He watched as her young form coddled their child, the wee one fast asleep despite the hectic flow of energy which pulsated around her.

"_A gate in all of us…_" she said softly, her head resting against the babies, arms folded across the child's back.  
Edward knew what happened next as Alphonse threw himself forwards. He tried desperately to wrench the child from its mothers grasp while Edward stood and did nothing. _He did nothing._

All that came was her scream and a bright light.

"Iris!!"  
Roy awoke with a start; fingers groping at the flesh beneath his shirt which had some how lost its buttons. He watched in horror and awe as the young alchemist he had forced to bed lie beneath his arms, face torn in agony, was desperately clawing at his chest.

"Iris, Iris, please no…" the blonde wonder muttered, rocking his head back and forth, his hair a tangled mess as it lie against Roy's arm.

It was hard not to wonder what images plagued Edwards mind. What horrors he watched beneath those heavy lids, who Iris had been to him. Roy wanted to wake the child, wanted to ask him questions, to wonder like a curious child, like the boy Edward had once been, but knew it best he let Edward open up in his own time.

Now lie the question, should he rouse Edward from such a painful sleep. Would waking the boy provide some sort of relief?

Finally a hand posed at the boys shoulder. Mustang's firm hold groping at the

boy's warm flesh a moment, and then he shook, uttering the young mans name softly.  
It was moments before anything happened. Roy's dark eyes peering through the heavy blue shadow which enveloped their quiet bodies, the lamp light all but gone out.

"Edward, come on…" he finally said, voice raising some in order to fully rouse the young man before him.

Thankfully that time did the trick. Edwards eyes flashed open, honey brown iris' glowing within the moonlight which trickled through the window. He looked scared, panicked, lost within his own world of hurt and emotion, so unsure what to do with himself, where to go, or how to manage now that reality was coming back into focus.

Roy wasn't sure but he thought he noticed a slight tinge of blush creep over the young mans cheeks as he tried to wipe the sleep from those weary eyes.

"Bad dream…?" The elder questioned, his hand removing itself from Edwards shoulder to rub away a glistening tear from his cheek.

Edward nodded meekly, "Sorry if I woke you…"

He wasn't sure why, but in that moment, Roy's heart shattered into a million pieces. He wanted to hold Edwards head to his chest, allow the beating of his own heart lull the young man back into a peaceful sleep. He wanted to wipe the shameful tears from the young mans eyes and promise him the world would be a better place if he only waited for the sun to rise. He wanted to reform the world, create a better place, a world where Edward wouldn't hurt, wouldn't hurt and worry about other people; a world where Iris, whoever she may be wouldn't leave Edward to a restless sleep.

"Don't be… " the man begun, stopping any words of jest and merriment from falling off his tongue. Instead, Roy Mustang allowed his thumb to trace the hollow line of Edwards's cheekbone, sweeping down and across the young mans jaw. "Are you ok though?"

Edward seemed to think on the question a moment, as if he wanted to answer truthfully, but settled on a simple nod.

"Who's Iris then?" Roy pressed before he even had a chance to realize what he was saying. So much for letting Edward open up on his own.

Once again Edward seemed lost upon his thoughts. He deliberated allowing Roy Mustang the truth into his very private life before settling upon a cryptic answer, "The reason I'm here…" he sounded off in quiet painful tones, drawing away from Mustang's contact.

There was however, no place to run. The Flame Alchemist's arms lie wrapped tightly around Edwards feeble sleep ridden form. Try as he might the younger of the two was trapped, his body pressed against the warmth of Roy's body, his sense forced to endure the spicy scent of smoke which lingered heavily within the air. "I don't want to talk about it…" Edward managed to mumble, tilting his head so that he might avoid Mustang's annoyingly calm gaze. It was bad enough the man had Edward pinned there, but those dark orbs seemed to look straight through the surface peeling away at the layers beneath, the layers of hurt and betrayal.

"Well if you're alright then it should stand to reason that you would have no problem indulging my curiosity…" Roy sounded off logically, the hand beneath Edwards shoulder snaking its way up and beneath the boy to rest against a mound of messy golden locks. He allowed his fingers to toy with a few delicate tendrils before pressing the young mans head flush against his chest. "You're reaction implies that you are not quite as alright as you claim Edward…"

The young man's shoulders sunk, his body weakened and he managed to give in beneath Roy's tender advances. Roy was too damn logical for his own good, finding ways to slip out bits and pieces of information Edward had reluctantly kept to himself. "Fine, I'm not ok…" he huffed indignantly, nuzzling his cheek against Roy's bare chest, the sensation of skin on skin enough to clear his mind of any ill begotten nightmare.

Still, odd as it was, Edward felt himself becoming strongly attached to General in all his manipulative mannerisms. He was quirky and difficult to read, but he meant well and he was warm, so very, very warm.

"Who's Iris, Edward?" the question came again.

Edward was as prepared this time as he had been the first, "a girl from the other side of the gate…" he mumbled into Roy's chest, his words just barely audible.

"So Iris is the name of a girl from the other side of the gate who helped you get home..?" piecing this together would be difficult without more pieces to Edwards angry puzzle.

"No!" the boy huffed, his hands curling into the material of Roy's shirt, clutching tightly to the fabric as Edward forced stability into his being. "She forced me home, forced me back… she didn't love me… didn't love us…"

Had Edward not wanted to come home?

Roy's jaw dropped, his chin tucked softly against the crown of Edwards head as he tried to make sense of it all. Edward had been… happy there, beyond the gate? He was happy with no intention of coming back?

Everything suddenly hurt inside. Roy felt betrayed and abandoned while he held Ed's body so tight against his. He had been forced home… forced… Edwards's words repeating within his mind as many times as the small space would allow, fumbling over concepts mingling with an odd bite of jealousy. Ed didn't want to be there, he didn't want Rosembol or Central. He didn't want the fields or the alchemy, or his friends. The people who helped him grow over the years; he had shed them off like an old layer of skin, no longer useful, more restricting and tight.

God, it hurt more then Roy thought it ever would. Not only had Edward found a potential love in the other realm, but it meant more to him then his friend's _home_ did. How was that even possible? Even better, why did it hurt this bad?

It felt as though someone had cracked a shovel against his sternum and began digging away until they found the buried treasure that was his aching heart. It hurt like the hollow aching of something he cherished, had gone missing, more then it had when Edward had disappeared the first time, more then when he left the second too. It just hurt, as if he'd never feel warmth occupy that space again.

_How is it possible to feel so alone… when he's lying right here? _Roy's mind was a battle ground of questions going off like gun fire. His eyes spaced as he focused on the trail of moonlight which struck the floor leaving a pattern of the wooden window frame in its wake. He needed to focus on something other then Ed while he thought, a task which proved increasingly difficult as the scent of metal and sweet vanilla stormed his mind and senses; as Ed stirred just slightly, his lashes dragging along the sensitive patch of skin upon Roy's chest as the young mans eyes opened and closed. Roy could feel the heat from his gaze, Edward was staring through the darkness into the space where Roy's hear should lie, steadily beating. It was as if the young alchemist knew the organ were functioning improperly, heart beat racing within Roy's ears as he struggled for short gasps of reality.

"Everyone… Everyone just seems to suffer so much… all… all because of me…" Ed whispered softly, his breath, hot moist air lingering upon Roy's chest.

He could almost feel the residue from each sorrow filled syllable as he brought Ed's body closer, eliminating all space that separated them. "It's not meant to be Easy Edward…" somehow though, that felt like the wrong thing to say.

"I never said I wanted it easy…" Ed mumbled solemnly, Roy's words had clearly struck the wrong cord, throwing the young man deeper into himself, "I just want it to be… normal…"

"Normal can be nice…" the elder mused, "But boring after a while, you're an alchemist Ed, things aren't meant to be normal around us, it's what makes our lives so… amazing…"  
A huff of air burst over Roy's skin causing the man to go rigid a moment as Edwards hands groped the material of his shirt even tighter, "I'd gladly give up alchemy…" he choked desperately, words laced with tears as the warmth of such an embrace blessed Mustangs skin, "I'd give it all up… t-to know love again…" the fleshy expanse of his forehead pressed hard against the Flame Alchemist's chest as Ed slowly began to cave.

"You love alchemy!" Roy rushed lamely.

Yet he was met with silence. Edwards body lie tight against his, his shoulders trembling as tremors of sadness ransacked his hollow being. He said nothing more on the subject, nothing of Iris, nothing of Germany. Ed only cried, soft tears gingerly rolling over the young ones cheek to fall between the creases made where each mans flesh met. Roy allowed him his moment, fingers lost within Edward's hair as he cradled his young friend against his chest. Edward sobbed and choked on air as he struggled to close the tiniest of gaps he felt growing between their bodies.

He wouldn't go back to sleep, he couldn't face what awaited beneath lidded eyes. It hurt, it was frightening, and so they lie like that for hours, darkness stolen away by the fresh burst of sunlight which swept into the room as dawn crept over the horizon.

Roy couldn't remember the last time he had just laid in bed with anyone. He couldn't remember the last time he had allowed another to find such comfort within his arms. He couldn't remember when his heart had last beat so fast he felt it swell beneath his chest. Maybe there was more to this friendship thing then he realized, maybe his fondness for his subordinate was more than just the fatherly protection he had always chalked it up to be.

He was staring down at Edward's body, the way his leg curled up just so finding comfort the closer it came to his body. The way his hands grasped his shirt, the flesh so tightly wound about the white fabric while his automail seemed to tentatively appreciate the strength within and just held Roy close. He wanted to say so many things, do so many things but the body before him caused all thought and reason to slip out the window. His tongue felt bloated, mouth filled with reckless mumblings and blatantly stupid phrases. He'd always known just what to say to win the women over, always known what to do in order to melt the hearts of those he woe-ed. Why then, was this whole situation so ripe with angst and awkward wanton desire?

He was a grown man for god sakes; a grown man allowing his mind to wander over the stretch of a young man, his young subordinate's body. What did Ed look like under those clothes, was the rest of his skin so lightly tanned, if not, where did sun kissed brown meet stark white. Roy wanted to find out for himself, allow his hands to explore every nook and cranny Edward's body offered. He'd been there all night without the simplest of adjustments. His legs felt numb, his arms heavy as the warmth of Edward's body occupied the space within. He needed to think, needed to breathe fresh air, but all that seemed left was that which had already occupied his lungs. Roy felt uncomfortably dizzy as if all the blood were leaving the important areas, pooling in the most awkward space imaginable.

_Good god, this can't be happening!_ His mind desperately screamed. Here Edward was, upset, body torn through from some painful night mare and he was getting all riled up and over what?!

The mere idea of the boys tanned chest. The thought of how sculpted his body felt, how hard and defined the muscles of his back alone felt as they lingered beneath Roy's touch.

_Stop, stop, stop, stop! _He begged, no, pleaded with his body to just allow him this one simple pleasure. Ed wasn't one of the women he courted after all; he was a needy young man. One which Roy had been trying to bring back to reality, one which Roy had been trying to comfort in his time of need and all Roy could do was absently think such scandalous thoughts.

He needed to get up, he needed space, he needed fresh air!  
It seemed only logical that he place space between their restful forms before his problem became more apparent. Carefully Roy tried to slip his arms away from Edward. A movement which only elicited a drawn out sigh of protest and the warmth Edwards's body drawn even closer then before.

Roy could feel a soft rouge dust across his cheeks. _He's going to think I'm some hormonal teenager…_ Roy scolded himself mentally, the growing heat within his stomach slowly beginning to boil.

"Nnh Roy…" Edward drawled in a sleepy voice, his mouth wide in a yawn, lips centimeters from Roy's chest. "You ever… ever lose someone you cared about… ever felt so empty…?" but he didn't finish his statement. Edward rolled his head back, drawing away from his superior officer. His eyes squinted within the dull mornings light, small pools of liquid amber curiously seeking answers. Edward's head slowly tilted back in order to capture the gaze of his superior. He needed to know, to see Roy's reaction, watch the truth flicker beneath the elders onyx gaze. As his torso arched some, the clawing grasp of Roy's fingers pressed into Edward's back, the young man's hips rolled forward, pressing tight against the lower half of Roy's body. His abdomen met Roy's pelvis and the awkward problem Roy seemed to silently struggle with.

At first he wasn't sure what was going on, Roy seemed to blush, to struggle in his desperate need for air, for space. Space which Edward claimed with his own boyish form, "R-Roy?" was the only thing that came to mind. A question posed upon the air, confusion saturated with the need for sleep and the suns bright light obscuring reality.

Oh, Roy just wanted to die.

Edward's question fluttered through his mind on some whimsical line of thought. He'd asked a tangible question, something he seemed to need the answer to. What was he suppose to say?

Confess how familiar that feeling was, how desperate he had been to see Ed once more?

Instead the General closed the space between them hesitantly. He hadn't meant to at first, only watched within his mind as the scene unfolded before him. It was of course, a little more magical and almost perfect within the confines and secrecy of his wishes, but as his lips captured Ed's in a moment of rushed passion, it didn't seem to matter how clumsy or foolishly childish it felt.

The warmth of the Mustang's lips stole all conscious thought from the young man's mind. He meant to protest, he really and truly did, but nothing made more sense then to cave. The tenderness of the embrace was breathtaking, like only a first kiss could be, as Edward found his body relaxing into it. Roy seemed to take that as a sign as he deepened the moment, allowing his tongue to dart passed parted lips, lingering upon the curve of Edward's lower lip.

A soft sigh came as the response, Edwards fingers loosening upon Roy's shirt, fleshy fingertips pressed beneath the Flame's clavicle as the space between their chests became limited.

It was like swallowing mouthfuls of passion. Like his heart were about to rupture from both pleasure and confusion, like no sound could conquer the trepid monstrous thundering of his frantically beating heart. He savored the taste of Roy upon his lips, the scent of cinnamon smoke and lust swallowing him whole. God it felt good to be wanted again, to have arms encircling his body, the warmth of another against his chest. It felt good to be submissive and so wanted it made your body ache.

Roy ate up the soft gasp and grunts for air which escaped Edward's lips. He allowed his mouth to breach the land of intimacy, to linger upon the ground of just plane desire as his tongue begged entrance into the cavernous warmth Ed's mouth seemed to offer. Each gentle touch was carefully orchestrated, every lap, every lick, as delicate as the situation surrounding them. A hand cupped Edward's cheek gently as Roy's tongue rolled over the soft cushion of flesh that was the younger's lower lip. His eyes closed sight no longer important. Taste, touch, scent, those were what mattered, even hearing; the soft struggled breaths, the wet sound their mouths made as they came together in a repeated motion, each time more desperate then the last. That was what mattered. The way Ed's skin felt beneath his calloused fingertips, the warmth his mouth granted, the friction between them, the supple wetness of his lips. Then the teeth, the sharp nip at Roy's flesh as Ed suckled his bottom lip before giving it a slight tug.

Light broken his sight as he allowed his eyes to open momentarily, watching the question spread across Edward's pooling honey gaze, the reddened puffiness in Edwards kiss swollen lips…

"Wh…" he managed no more then the sound of a word as he struggled for breath. He was guilty? Guilty for sure, the confused questioning gaze settling upon Roy as Edward struggled with his breath. "Ho.." Even that question seemed stupid.

"Explain…" he finally demanded his touch unsure, as if running away was now becoming an option.

Roy merely smiled, "lose someone you cared about… feeling so empty…" Roy repeated softly. His mouth was moving, words coming out before he could manage so much as a coherent thought. "Yeah… and it's hard…" he added lamely, "really, really hard…"

It was then that Ed realized, _He's talking about me…

* * *

Again, more fluff... I know Roy's a grown man and could probably control his... urges... but he missed Ed...  
as always read and review!! 3_


	5. War Stories

The days to follow we filled with awkward moments. The softest graze of skin upon skin, a mere breath or a whisper was like hell. Life was nothing more then a wanton look huddled beneath the depths of pure unadulterated confusion. Roy, in all his attempts, was desperate to piece together his young alchemist while said prodigy coped on his own, indulging in a frequent afternoon scotch. They plowed forward; stumbling two drunken steps back with each sign of progress. They lived within a routine of redundancy, their days spent arguing or ignoring each other, seated in the silence of a moment which seemed meant for eternity. Sometimes it seemed as though Edward didn't want help, he didn't want to be the annoying bratty state alchemist he had once been, as if that child had all but disappeared… like holding onto a memory that was nothing more then a dream.

It was easy though, to pretend like nothing had ever happened that Edward was still the irrational subordinate while Roy played the haughty Colonel. Sometimes the roles were even believable in their cookie cutter existence. Still, a hallow void seemed to encroach upon their pleasant familiarities. As comfortable as they had become, as routine as things had started to feel, there was always some pitiful need for contact. A need so strong by times it became intoxicating.

An afternoon spent on the porch, seated in the somber silence of their memories, their knees barely touching. An evenings conversation leading to a heated debate and an almost kiss. It was torture, the faintest graze, the mere idea of an embrace; enough to send sparks down your spine erupting in the soft flutter of butterflies within your tummy.

It was confusing, horrible, painful, agonizing. For Roy, it was a more a matter of sexual frustration, his guilt laced with an undeniable attraction to inferior officer. Edward on the other hand was playing ball in a whole other league. He struggled to understand, mind wrapping around body language and hidden intentions. Instead of brooding he found himself wondering what the ebony haired General was doing, stealing away what quiet time the young Alchemist held dear. It wasn't just the unabashed guilt; it was the bombardment of pitiless memories and questions. The horrible gut wrenching ache which tore at his insides until he felt hollow.

Roy made him miss his life, the life he had before Germany, the friends he'd made. He made Edward miss the things he'd missed before. The things he'd missed before life and love were thrown at his feet. He missed Roy, but he'd loved Iris, he'd loved her, loved their little family, loved the life he had made for himself. Now it seemed, all the memories he had been so reluctant to relinquish were being replaced by the slight inkling of a yearning to touch the Flame Alchemist's alabaster cheek. His love for the women who held his world within the palm of her hands was being replaced by a curiosity which made him wonder what the General's lips might feel like once more pressed firmly against his or if the man still tasted like cinnamon and smoke.

No, when Edward should have been thinking of the cherub beauty of his beloved, his mind stole away upon other tangents. Did Roy think of him, did he miss him? Did thoughts of Edward plague his mind as he lie away at night so desperate for sleep? Was Ed on his mind at all? And if so, what curious thoughts meandered through the General's subconscious.

It was torture to sit in the presence of the great General, Roy Mustang and wonder what silent thoughts ticked away within the dangerous mind of his. The man was a vault, impermeable to all elements. He was the rock in which Edward threw himself up against.

Like the sea in its torrent of determination, Edward was only able to smooth out the truths he had been allowed, perfection shining through as he tried, to no avail to do more then just slip away like a forgotten memory.

Now add guilt to the never ending pile of rampant emotions raging beneath Edward's sternum and the equation spelt out disaster…

"… after our stop in Laquroia, I think we'll be heading straight to Central. Hawkeye is quite insistent that we get you back and registered before the Fuehrer has time to protest. We need to get you fitted for new uniforms, the army won't have any more of this freelance stuff, they've buckled down quite a bit since you've been away… A dinner later, Armstrong whishes to celebrate, then Havok and Breyda have something in store too. While you're getting fitted, I do believe Al's train will be arriving, He's meant to be taking his test in a matter of weeks, but we'll pick him up and then carry on to the rest of the festivities. If you're not comfortable with being in the lime light, we can merely leave the save the festivities for another day…. Our Train leaves at…" the General's chatter carried on for a matter of minutes, running through times and scheduling issues before he realized that the smaller alchemist was barely paying attention.

Edward, gloved fist pressed into his cheek, had been seated against the window, gaze dusting across the rainy sky and dim landscape ever since he had sat down. He focused on the dull and mundane, the steady clack of the train's wheels as it sped over the aged iron track. A tormented wind, howling in a pain which only mimicked the burning within Edward's chest. He needed loneliness, the comfort of his hotel room, the warmth of the bastard Generals body pressed against…

Wait…

"Edward…"

The young blonde's body gave a reluctant shiver as he blinked once, twice, three times and then turned towards his commanding officer, "I'm listening…" the boy responded dolefully, his tone dry and listless as it had once been. He didn't have the energy to scowl or cry out; make a scene as he once might have, provoking the natural danger which lingered beneath the Generals calm demeanor.

"No… you're not… I had to twist your arm to get you on this train," Roy signed, a look of exasperation crossing his pallid features. He was worried about everything now, a worry worn on his coattails. Edward being sworn into the military again, returning to his position beneath Mustang. His younger brother taking the alchemy exam, a test Roy knew the boy would pass, and with flying colors, but how would Ed react. How would Armstrong, Breyda, Havoc, and the others deal with him. How would they respond to his despondent attitude, his distanced smile and forced cheer. More importantly, how much would they prey into the young mans private life.

"Look, I know this isn't the most interesting thing in the world right now, lord knows I don't want to be droning on like some old me…"  
"Then don't.." came the still reply, cutting Roy's words off with the soft hum of disappointment.  
The General glowered for just a moment, ebony orbs peering out beneath exotic lashes, "You need to be with me on this Full Metal…" the man continued, his tone dropping a few noticeable notes. He shifted some in his seat, across from where Edward sat, perched so that his back end rest upon the cushiony edge as he teetered forwards, their knees almost brushing. "It hurts like hell, I know, like the person you trusted the most ripped our your heart and fed it to the devil…"  
Ed scoffed at Roy's lame attempt to under stand, he hated the man on sheer principle now, "right..."  
Roy merely growled, gathering to his feet in one swift motions, so quick Edward's attention was forced on the dominant form looming before him, "Listen…" the man's booming voice commanded as his fists struck the wooden panel behind Edward's head. "It sucks, hard, ok, but you're alive, and there are people who care about you, so yeah, you may feel alone for the time being, but you have people out there who are worried. You need to get back in this so this darkness doesn't consume you, do it for them…" the General bit his tongue as he gazed into the hollow honey pools before him, so memorized that he all but forced himself to look away, "for us…"

Those wide amber eyes peered through a mess of disheveled bangs. Ed's breathe steady and unbothered despite his original shock. He withheld the urge to cackle with laughter, instead, allowing his lips to form a simple smile, crooked in it's simplicity, "Yeah, that's right…" he mumbled a moment, "I'm alive, and how many times have I cheated death now… and this… fuck, I would take death over this agonizing pain any day you arrogant bastard…"  
Dumbfounded, Roy stumbled a few steps back, the unsteady pace of the train leaving him to catch his balance. Ed seemed, hostile, but hurt, he was lost now and some how so empty that Roy's body gave an involuntary shudder.

"Fuck, I can't believe you, you climbed your way up the ranks and still you're as dense as a slab of oak. Every time I look in the mirror, I see _her_ eyes staring back at me, I see Iris at my shoulder, I see…" but his voice died off before the final words could slip from his tongue. He wanted so desperately to break but some menacing thread strung his consciousness together, asphyxiating the area where his emotions dwelled. He played the part well, anger, hatred, pain, when really the only thing Edward felt was a lack of existence… emptiness…

He had to watch his just to make sure he was still breathing, pinch himself to remind him that he was indeed, capable of feeling something. He had to touch things, taste things, just to make sure his mind wasn't playing some pathetic joke on him.

Sometimes it felt like he was still within the gate, dreaming of a world where he wouldn't be punished for attempting a life filled with happiness and joy. Sometimes he felt as though the world were mocking him with the chance for salvation. As if, like a child playing with a dumb animal, opportunities were being dangled before his nose only to be snatched away by the tormenting hand of some over grown adolescent.

"You can pretend to understand all you want, if that's what makes you feel better, but you don't… do you… you're standing here trying to force me past the most excruciatingly painful experience of my life because it'll make _you_ feel better… not me… isn't that right… Roy Mustang…" his eyes were so filled with accusation, pinning Roy back against the wall, back into the seat he had occupied before he grew angry and tried to intimidate Edward.  
Mouth agape with want to reply, Roy mustered everything he had within his chest to just exist a moment. He wanted to respond, he wanted Edward to know he was trying to understand but the young mans anger had him spellbound, stuck in his spot and drowning upon the mere thought of air.

Ed's lips formed a crooked sort of sneer as he tossed his gaze towards the window, scared to look towards the man who had once held so many answers. A man who he had once considered his friend, a man he had trusted despite violent cover up. "You killed Winry's parents… lost your best friend…"

Now Roy wanted to throw up, "I loved Maes, Edward…"  
Ed turned a harsh glare back onto the General as he attempted to study Mustang, to decipher some encrypted meaning behind those words. He had made his sexual freedom known just a few nights before so now even the idea of lines drawn between alternate meanings were obscured. "It's not the same…" Edward finally bit out.

"Bullshit!" Roy hollered, "You couldn't dare compare well over a decades worth of friendship and all the horror and hell we went through to a woman you fell for in no more then three years…" and he probably shouldn't have said that…

If it was anger Edward had been feeling prior to this, he was livid now, glowering at his commanding officer as if the man before him were the reason he'd lost his dear love. The asshole didn't deserve an explanation or a response, he didn't deserve an intimate view into Edward's life in Germany, but the Blonde was far too angry to care what he should or shouldn't have said. He was far too pissed to remember any previous desire for privacy, instead he just blew up.

"Do you know the easiest way to open the gate General…" Ed seethed through gritted teeth, "any idea at all, oh mighty master of alchemy. I know you did research on forbidden alchemic properties. Did you, in your wide search for knowledge happen to come across anything about Humans and the gate… maybe something along the lines of… how we're born with a connection to the gate, a connection to the other world. Did you happen to read about the theories connecting them to us…"  
There hadn't even been a pause for response before Edward jumped back in, "It's rather fascinating, though complicated to decipher exactly. I was lucky enough to have Dante boast about it some so the understanding came rather quickly, either that or my knowledge of alchemy far surpasses yours…"  
"Don't get cocky Ed…"

"Shut the hell up and listen General, Mr. high and mighty wants to compare war stories, we're comparing," Edward shifted, crossing his legs at the knee, his arms folded beneath his black leather coat, "Children you grand asshole, innocence. As we grow older our link with the gate becomes severed, but an innocent, a child, they have within them the capability to summon up the grate beyond with minimal alchemic assistance…"  
Roy paled as Edward continued, "I always wondered about her, Iris that is, I'd dream about her, with my dad. A little girl with eyes redder then an isbhalan's, a red I'd only seen one other place, the philosopher's stone. She was an oddity in their world, but had the soul of an angel. Trisha would have been the same too, a trouble maker like me and Al, but kind like her mother… For some reason Iris, thought I was unhappy. She took it upon herself to find a way to send Al and I home. I came home one night and the house was crackling with alchemic energy. Iris had gotten a hold of the alchemy books I had hidden in Al's room and was attempting to open the gate. She loved.. lo…" The words grew heavy on Ed's tongue as he forced himself to endure, "loved so deeply, she said should would have given anything to see me smile… she didn't know what she was doing, The Alchemy was far too much for her body to handle, I heard screams, motioned to hold Trisha's body, but the next thing I knew, I was at the gate, those black arms were carrying my baby away from me. They stole her like they had everything else in my life… We'd been back over two and a half months before Al sought you out... before I was even able to formulate a simple phrase."

"Don't look so surprised, just because I settled down to play family man before you…" Edward finished with an unwarranted scowl, "what are you shocked I, Edward Elric of all people had the nerve to procreate?"

Roy's shock seemed etched in glass, a faultless gaping stare. Ed had a child, Ed was a father, Ed had a baby girl, was he married, had he been married? Where was the little one now? God he was going to throw up.

Suddenly, Edward seemed far older then Roy had ever realized. Even as kids it was hard to remember that he and Alphonse were still so innocent despite they way they chose to live their lives. It was the same now, when he looked at Edward, he saw the pain and loss no parent should ever feel. But the boy was only twenty. How could such bad things happen to good people?

"Tha… that's not it at all, you'd be a good dad…"

"I was," came the unexpected response.

What did Roy say now? Everything seemed so… unimportant. "It seems Alchemy is doing more harm then good these days…"

Edward narrowed his eyes and Roy, again, began to wish he hadn't said anything at all. Everything that uttered over his lips was a massive mistake. He might as well put his foot in his mouth and lick off the mud right then and there rather then utter another word.

"Just don't fucking talk to me _General Mustang, sir_ I have nothing more to state, now you know, I do hope you're happy. I don't want you to pretend you care though; this isn't another moment where you can take advantage of my need for human contact. I'd rather go through eternity without the comfort of another human being then feel your _want_ pressed against me…"

Low, dirty, black, dizzy, gods Roy was going to vomit. First he was a heartless Bastard, now he was a lecherous heartless bastard, could things honestly get any worse?

The hatred Edward felt was pouring out in waves, nauseating the General as he tried to piece one and one together. Did you know it made eleven?

Now he needed a drink. Or several, he wouldn't complain, anything to dull the guilty ache which swirled about within his intestines. Fuehrer wasn't worth this, hell living wasn't worth this. The distanced shadow hovering over Edwards golden iris' the massive cinderblock wall which he had built up around his heart. A wall Roy had worked so hard to demolish.

Damnit, why did he have to be so… so… so what? Edward wasn't being entirely childish. He reacted as anyone burned by the loss of a loved one might. He curled up within himself and hated the world. He'd refused to do alchemy, refused to smile; now it seemed he was refusing to as much as talk to the General. The young blonde's attention fell back to the window, focused on something far beyond Roy's line of vision, and Roy felt like he was going to throw up.  
Everything he'd ever wanted to say to the boy, every comforting word seemed to dissipate upon his tongue. The mere sight of Edward, knees now drawn to his chest, heavy black trench coat curled around him like a blanket, made Roy want to be ill. He'd pushed and pushed and wanted Edward to push back, but when the boy decided it was time to finally take a stand, Roy was left within the shadow of a monster.  
Their entire ride was left in silence. The empty clack of train tracks, the dim mournful cry of a dead wind stolen against the side of the train. Edward watched the world through a shadowed mirror. He forced himself to ignore the General, forced the feeling of emptiness to take the forefront in his mind. He was tired of the pity, tired of the sad looks everyone around him gave. He wanted to be back in central where no one knew Iris' name. Where no one knew he had once loved so fiercely his heart shattered at the mere thought of her face. The delicate way her chestnut locks shaped her plush round cheeks, the beautiful ruby hue of her eyes.

It wouldn't be so bad to be back, allow his mind to wander, live as he was meant to, alone and terrified of hurting those who came close to him. He could shut himself off, watch from afar as life rolled on caring with it, everyone else. It was one train ride he refused to be part of. One journey he wasn't taking again.

Why then, did it seem, every time he glanced at the General, lashes closed on eyes he knew were darker then any night sky. Pale skin tainted with the slightest of rouge, heated from the argument they'd had some time ago, hair mussed and slightly sleep crooked. Why was it, every time he looked at that man, he wanted another chance at something real…

* * *

So… that wasn't awkward? Moving too fast? Too slow?  
Im in the middle of exams and schools coming to and end so IM SOOO sorry to those following for my lack of posting. I promise I'll try and get this out faster… as soon as schools done I hope to dedicate more time to my writing and stupid comics :D

Read and review… I'll give you cookies… chocolate??? Love?!?


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